Hermione Granger and the Curse of the Spam
by megamatt09
Summary: Hermione Granger fights the Curse of Spam. Perhaps she should listen to Luna Lovegood from time to time.


Hermione Granger swept into the Great Hall recalling the insanity that this year was. It was bad enough that there was OWL year, but when you threw in Umbridge, Harry's mood swings, Umbridge, Ron's lack of table manners, Umbridge, Voldemort, and Umbridge, Hermione was more than great to see the back end of this year. She only had a few more months to survive and she would be in pretty good shape.

Oh, and she could not forget about the fact that Umbridge's existence vexed Hermione completely.

Hermione parked herself down at the Great Hall and noticed that someone had sent her a letter. She frowned and opened it up, and raised her eyebrow, when she looked over the letter with gibberish, along with some choice words about Umbridge and how they should take down her dictatorship over Hogwarts.

It was spam, and not the kind you ate either. Hermione pretty much had neither.

Wandering out of nowhere, Luna Lovegood appeared behind her.

"What's that?" Luna asked her.

"Spam," Hermione said. "I'm going to get rid of it."

"Oh, you don't want to do that," Luna said.

"It's rubbish, why would I want to get rid of it?" Hermione asked.

"If you get rid of it, then more will pop up in its place," Luna said. "It's the Curse of the Spam."

Hermione decided to ignore everything Luna said, chalk it up to the usual nonsense she sputtered and calmly set the message on fire, not giving it a thought the rest of the day.

X-X-X

The next morning, Hermione face off against several more of the notes. When she tore into them, she saw the same seemingly random letters, the only coherent part being the call to arms to bring down the Dolores Umbridge regime from stifling the citizens of Hogwarts. She ran her wand over her to find some kind of deeper meaning.

Ron and Harry joined her at the table and Hermione eyed both of them.

"Did you receive any of these messages?" Hermione asked.

"No, I didn't," Ron said. "I did get an owl from some friendly bloke from Nigeria, who wanted to give me a bunch of gold. Isn't that wicked? And all I needed to do is send him ten galleons. I'm going to have more money than Malfoy."

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"You'll never see that money," Hermione calmly said.

"But, he seemed so sincere," Ron said.

"Where did you get ten galleons anyway?" Hermione asked.

"Fred and George," Ron said. "But I'm going to pay them back with interest when that bloke sends me the money."

Hermione wondered if Ron got dropped on his head as a child. She turned to Harry.

"I haven't got any mail," Harry said. "Well, other than some nutter saying that there's something wrong with the windows, or something. But, that's Umbridge's problem, she's the almighty High Inquistor, isn't she?"

"So do you have any idea who is behind these letters?" Hermione asked. "No one signed them...why did the Headmaster all students to receive unsigned letters?"

"Well, he thought that it would be foster better communication," Harry said. "At least you haven't gotten letters from people telling you to kill yourself because of who you're going out with, or not, I guess. Some people really need to get a life."

Hermione incinerated all of the letters, hoping that it would be the end of it.

X-X-X

The next morning, Hermione got even more letters, totaling a hundred, all of them spam messages, with the same gibberish. Luna appeared at her shoulder.

"Do you believe the Curse of the Spam now?" Luna asked.

"This is rubbish!" Hermione yelled. "It doesn't make any sense. Why would someone send all of these letters?"

Padma Patil and Hannah Abbott walked over to join the conversation.

"We got some of those letters," Padma said. "And so did half of Ravenclaw."

"And most of the upper years in Hufflepuff," Hannah said. "Do you have any idea who is sending them?"

"No, I don't," Hermione said massaging her scalp. "But, we should get rid of them because Umbridge will find someway to throw us in detention for them or expel them."

"You shouldn't do that," Luna warned them. "There will be a thousand letters by morning."

"No, there's got to be a logical explanation," Hermione said. "They're going to get bored eventually."

"Unless they put up some kind of automated letter writing charm, or maybe it is some automated rune stone that went rogue," Padma said. "And it keeps shooting out letters."

Hermione wondered why she did not think of it. She would find the list of Muggleborns who were taking Ancient Runes, because some asshole had created a magical spambot.

"I think you're overthinking it," Luna said. "If you keep fighting the Curse of the Spam, it will multiple until the letters flood all of Hogwarts."

"No one can write that many letters!" Hermione yelled.

She went across the Great Hall, burning all of the spam that she could see. Luna just broke out into a soft sigh and shook her head.

"Some people never learn," Luna commented sadly.

X-X-X

The next day, thousands upon thousands of letters, all talking about how they should rise up and revolt against Umbridge flooded the entire school. Hermione was at her wits end, tugging on her dark hair and screaming bloody murder.

"Who is doing this?" Hermione asked.

"Hermione, calm down," Harry said.

"YOU TRY AND BE CALM WHEN SOME ASSHOLE IS BOMBARDING YOU WITH GIBBERISH!" Hermione yelled.

"I've only gotten two of those messages," Harry said. "And I binned them and I haven't gotten any more."

"How?" Hermione asked. "What are you doing?"

"Dunno," Harry said.

"Where's Ron?" Hermione asked.

"Writing a letter to that bloke from Nigeria who promised him the gold," Harry said.

"I'm going to make sure these letters don't even get in the school," Hermione said. "I don't care if I have to stay up day and night, I will put an end to all of this bloody spam!"

"Spam's good on toast," Luna said randomly. "Not so good with eggs though."

X-X-X

Hermione stayed up, and was constantly vigilante to the point where she would frighten Moody. The moment she blinked, Hermione looked up to see letters raining through the Great Hall and burying her alive.

"AHHHH!" Hermione screamed. "SPAM...MUST...DIE!"

Hermione blasted the letters, but the strangest thing happened, they exploded, with each letter shooting out at least twenty more spam messages. Hermione received several paper cuts in her frantic zeal to try and eliminate the spam.

Then, Hermione Granger got sucked into a vortex of needless post, buried under the useless rubbish comments, any brilliant ideas lost forever.

Harry and Ron showed up to see their friend buried under the mountain of spam which blanketed the Great Hall and spilled outside of the windows to the grounds.

"You know, mate, this could be all avoided if Dumbledore banned anonymous post," Ron said.

"Well, a few of them are signed," Harry offered. "But, they make no more sense."

"Any day now, mate, any day," Ron said. "I'm going to be rich...that guy from Nigeria just wanted twenty more galleons to make sure the transfer goes smooth?"

There was a long beat.

"Harry, mate, can I borrow twenty galleons?"

"No."

"Come on, I'll pay you back!" Ron shouted at Harry's retreating back.

Luna just smiled.

"Somehow, I wonder what the point is of anything," Luna commented ruefully to herself. "Life's strange like that."

She pulled out a Kazoo and started to play the Hogwarts School song as she skipped off into the night.

 **End.**

 **Why no, this story had absolutely nothing to do with a problem that some writers on this website is currently facing regarding an avalanche of spam, much of it coming from unsigned/guest/anonymous reviews. **whistles nonchalantly.****


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